He made the choice to spat out hate-filled words which wounded the heart and soul of myself and our boys. And it was not my problem, as he would often try to convince me, that he was abusive. It still was not okay that he talked to me in a demeaning, sarcastic and hateful way, treating me as if I were a fool, and telling me as much without any remorse, regret or empathy. I said things I regretted and acted in ways that were unloving and selfish, but that did not excuse my ex’s behavior. What this elderly couple did during a very dark, confusing time of my life was to show God’s love towards me without any hint of condemnation or judgement. What did they share with me? How God hates abuse and abandonment in marriage, that divorce is not a sin, and God loved me and my children so much that no matter what decision I felt needed to be made it would never, ever separate me from Him and His love for me. They did not tell me that this was just my lot in life and one day I would receive the largest crown for staying and suffering (James 1:12) - and yes, I once had a pastor flippantly say that to me. They did not tell me that they thought he was changing while ignoring the things he continued to do. They did not tell me how I needed to stay and suffer, for that is what a Christian has to do in this life. They offered encouragement instead of condemnation and they opened their hearts and the door to their home to me whenever I needed love and support. They knew it was wrong what had been going on and they stood right beside me, much to my surprise. And those few in my church who did understand were not likely to openly show their support for my decision to end my marriage. Sadly, the one place where I expected to find support, the church, was one of the few places I did. But I just could not go back to what had been - I just couldn’t. I didn’t want God to hate me or to make a choice which would forever keep me from being loved by Him. And honestly, that is partly what kept me waiting another whole year after he left to finally file for divorce. I was reminded quite often how imperative it was for me as a Christian to do everything possible to save that marriage because divorce was somehow this unpardonable sin and a marriage contract not something to ever be dissolved.
I alone was supposed to salvage a marriage which lay shattered in a million broken pieces, that even if I had chosen to try and fit it back together, there would still be cracks too large to ever hold back the mess within.Īnd the reality is - it takes two committed people to make a marriage work, yet only one to destroy it. Most people made sure I fully understood how much God hates divorce and that there are only two biblical reasons for divorce - sexual infidelity and abandonment (Matt 5:32 I Cor 7:15), and while it was my ex who walked out of that marriage, I was told it was up to me to reconcile.
And all the wrongful teachings, which are so clear to me now, kept me hostage to my doubts and fears. I needed to know without a doubt that whatever direction I chose would be in alignment with God’s will for my life. You see, I wanted to be doubly sure that I was making the right decision. There were many factors which kept me frozen with indecision and perhaps the biggest one of all was my faith. Most people would likely say, “Good, he’s gone! Now you can get on with your life!” but it just wasn’t that easy. What I would do with it was not an easy decision even though it possibly should have been. He had left and now I felt like the ball was in my court. I just knew that I never wanted to go back to that life ever again. While researching whether it’s really okay for a Christian to leave an abusive marriage I ran across this post - Leaving Your Spouse Because of Abuse.Īfter my ex walked out in 2009, I struggled daily with knowing what to do - legal separation, reconciliation, divorce? Which direction was the best?
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